A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of gorfing cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says solemnly, ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
She walked in on me reading a book on existential philosophy. She was like "oh my God! Are you for real?" I said "that's what I'm trying to figure out."
£1.50 a minute.
Now, the woman was really quite heavy, she could take up two seats on a bus easily. However, her boobs weren't as big as she would like so she decided to ask her beautiful friend, Sharon for advice.
"Sharon, I've heard that men want big boobs more than anything, but I'm scared that mine are too small. What should I do?"
Her friend looked her up and down and said "Ah, yes, I've the perfect solution. All you have to do is get some toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs a few times a day."
The portly woman was delighted but also confused. "Brilliant Sharon, I knew I could count on you! But how's this going to make my boobs bigger?"
To which her friend responds, "Well it worked for your fat ass"
...who were ready to go on their first date. The farmer, being very overprotective of his 3 daughters, decided to wait at the front of the door with his shotgun for each date to show up, so that he could decide whether or not they would be okay for his daughter.

The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door. The boy said:

"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flowe. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The farmer decided that he was alright, and he sent his daughter off. Soon after, the doorbell rang again. The boy said:

"My name's Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti; is she ready?"

The farmer again decided that he was alright, and he sent his next daughter off with the boy. The doorbell rang a third and final time, and he again answered the door. The boy started off:

"Hi, my name's Chuck-"

And the farmer shot him.
Here is a scam....... Be careful!!!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while at Home Depot. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20 year-olds girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and goes down on you while the other one slips her hand between the seats and steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also January 1st & 2nd twice on the 8th & 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each -- I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at target

Turns out he's still standing.
He saw a sign that said no trespassing.
Without Freddy Adu
he knows every alphabet but na zi!
Self-raising bread.
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus stop?

One's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.